THE HOLY BIBLE
AUTHORISED McMURDO VERSION
THE BOOK OF GENESIS
IN THE BEGINNING
And God was alone and said, 'Let Us make Man in Our own image.' And He did make Man and Woman but they did get on his nerves; yea, exceedingly so. And the Man and the Woman did breed so that God did become a stranger in His own home. And God had so made then that the people did come back after they did die. And God did say, 'Fuck Me, wherefore is Nigel Farage when you need him?' And God did decide that He would only keep some of the people after they had returned from death.
And so God made Hell, where most of the people He made would end up, just to get them out the way. Some of the people, though, would come to stay with Him in Heaven.
And God made a world for the people to live in and made a special country for those that would go to Heaven. He called this special land Scotland. And God said, 'All the chosen people in this land, whom I shall call The Peeppul, may enter Heaven only if they keep My Covenant and vote 'NO' in the referendum. Everyone else in the world will burn in Hell.'
And God did have a piece of clay left over, which He did bung onto the North-East of the land of Ireland as an extra place for The Peeppul to live.
And He did make The Peeppul with large, protruding foreheads and long arms so that their knuckles did drag along the earth. God did this to show that His Peeppul were special.
And God did look upon it and it was good.
NOAH'S ARK
And God did say to Noah, 'Takest thou thy Cal-Mac ferry and fill it with two of every animal. And collectest thou all men named Billy, and their wives, that they might be saved.' And God did then send a flood unto the world and killed all the evil men on it. And Noah did sail for forty days and forty nights and then did send a green budgie out to find land. And the budgie returned not. He did then send a green parrot. And the parrot returned not. Noah did then release a lark, which returned and did lead Noah to dry land. And Noah and the Billies and the Billettes did build a temple unto God in that place and, remembering the lark, they did name the temple Larkhall. And they did remember the budgie and the parrot and did allow not the colour green to be shewn in their land.
THE TOWER OF BABEL
And lo! The evil men still flourished and did conspire to build a tower that they might reach Heaven. And they did build said tower at the top of Rosemount Street. And God was angry and did smite the tower down. And he did scatter the people of the place known as Garngad to the corners of the earth. Yea, verily, even unto the lands of Easterhouse and Castlemilk.
JOSEPH
And Jacob did have many sons and the youngest of these was Joseph. And Joseph was the favourite son in his father's eye and his brothers were pure dead jealous. And Jacob did buy Joseph a sash of orange colour. And Joseph's brothers did hate him even more. And they did sell him into bondage in the land of Coatbridge and pretend to Jacob that he was dead.
And Joseph did become favourite of the Pharaoh of Coatbridge and became powerful. And a mighty famine did fall upon the land and Jacob and his sons did have to leave the land of Larkhall to beg succour in the land of Coatbridge. And Joseph did recognise his father and brothers and did take them in. And he did sing to them, 'Where would you have been, if I hadn't taken you in?' And his brothers did seethe with anger and resentment and vowed revenge, yea even unto the last generation.
