GENESIS

THE HOLY BIBLE

AUTHORISED McMURDO VERSION

THE BOOK OF GENESIS

IN THE BEGINNING

And God was alone and said, 'Let Us make Man in Our own image.' And He did make Man and Woman but they did get on his nerves; yea, exceedingly so. And the Man and the Woman did breed so that God did become a stranger in His own home. And God had so made then that the people did come back after they did die. And God did say, 'Fuck Me, wherefore is Nigel Farage when you need him?' And God did decide that He would only keep some of the people after they had returned from death.
 And so God made Hell, where most of the people He made would end up, just to get them out the way. Some of the people, though, would come to stay with Him in Heaven.
And God made a world for the people to live in and made a special country for those that would go to Heaven. He called this special land Scotland. And God said, 'All the chosen people in this land, whom I shall call The Peeppul, may enter Heaven only if they keep My Covenant and vote 'NO' in the referendum. Everyone else in the world will burn in Hell.'
And God did have a piece of clay left over, which He did bung onto the North-East of the land of Ireland as an extra place for The Peeppul to live. 
And He did make The Peeppul with large, protruding foreheads and long arms so that their knuckles did drag along the earth. God did this to show that His Peeppul were special. 
And God did look upon it and it was good.

NOAH'S ARK

And God did say to Noah, 'Takest thou thy Cal-Mac ferry and fill it with two of every animal. And collectest thou all men named Billy, and their wives, that they might be saved.' And God did then send a flood unto the world and killed all the evil men on it. And Noah did sail for forty days and forty nights and then did send a green budgie out to find land. And the budgie returned not. He did then send a green parrot. And the parrot returned not. Noah did then release a lark, which returned and did lead Noah to dry land. And Noah and the Billies and the Billettes did build a temple unto God in that place and, remembering the lark, they did name the temple Larkhall. And they did remember the budgie and the parrot and did allow not the colour green to be shewn in their land.

THE TOWER OF BABEL

And lo! The evil men still flourished and did conspire to build a tower that they might reach Heaven. And they did build said tower at the top of Rosemount Street. And God was angry and did smite the tower down. And he did scatter the people of the place known as Garngad to the corners of the earth. Yea, verily, even unto the lands of Easterhouse and Castlemilk.

 

JOSEPH

And Jacob did have many sons and the youngest of these was Joseph. And Joseph was the favourite son in his father's eye and his brothers were pure dead jealous. And Jacob did buy Joseph a sash of orange colour. And Joseph's brothers did hate him even more. And they did sell him into bondage in the land of Coatbridge and pretend to Jacob that he was dead.
And Joseph did become favourite of the Pharaoh of Coatbridge and became powerful. And a mighty famine did fall upon the land and Jacob and his sons did have to leave the land of Larkhall to beg succour in the land of Coatbridge. And Joseph did recognise his father and brothers and did take them in. And he did sing to them, 'Where would you have been, if I hadn't taken you in?' And his brothers did seethe with anger and resentment and vowed revenge, yea even unto the last generation.

BARE-FACED LIARS

How many 'Better Together' campaigners does it take to change a light bulb? None, of course, they want us all kept in the dark as much as possible.

The Daily Record yesterday treated us to an article on how 'Celebrities' would vote in the Independence Referendum. Unfortunately for them, they mucked things up and the 'gallery' they asked us to 'click on' just wasn't there! So, in effect, the only one we heard from was Billy Connolly. The Big Yin gave an emphatic 'No,' saying that he doesn't like nationalism of any kind. Either Connolly is thick or he's being deliberately disingenuous, but he shows a remarkable lack of understanding of the issues at stake.

To me, this isn't about nationalism; quite the opposite, in fact. I'm a firm believer in closer ties between countries and am a firm supporter of the European Union. So is the SNP, which has promised to negotiate for Scotland to remain in the EU come independence. Despite the usual scare stories from the 'No' camp, it appears that there will be no problem with this.

On the other hand, if we were to remain in the UK then there's every chance that we'll be out of Europe within the next few years. The meteoric rise of UKIP in England shows where the real cause of nationalism in this debate lies and it is something that the next UK government will have to come to terms with. There's every chance that UKIP will hold the deciding vote in Parliament after the General Election and if the Tories want to be in power then they'll have to bring Farage and his stormtroopers onboard.

I for one don't want to live in a country like that, where Daily Mail readers hold the upper hand and dictate the laws of the land. It'll be back to the old £sd, metric measures will be outlawed, racism will be de rigeur, anybody that's black will be 'repatriated,' Islam will be illegal and if you don't wear a poppy throughout October and into November you will be shot! You think I'm exaggerating? Then you should pay more attention to what your average UKIP voter writes online and in the papers.

We've had one UKIP MEP elected in Scotland and I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of his votes came from certain areas in Lanarkshire. It surely can't be coincidence that leading bloggers and speakers on the Unionist side are also members of UKIP? McMurdo for example, and his friend, holocaust denier Alistair McConnachie. These are the folk that want us to break away from Europe and yet they have the cheek to call those in favour of Scottish independence 'insular' and 'parochial'.

So the choice isn't between an independent Scotland, where we've all to eat haggis, wear tartan and conform to the Wee Frees' sabbatarian pronouncements and a free, modern, internationalist UK. On the contrary, it's between a modern, vibrant Scotland taking a full part in Europe and a bunch of Little Englanders that want to go back to 'Splendid Isolation.' I know which one I want.

Basically, the 'No' side of the debate depends on bigotry and ignorance. Have a look at these comments on McMurdo's blog:

"Next on their agenda would be for all of us too (sic) turn into RC’s"

"...my Mother and Father fought against one of the most evil regimes ever during the Second World War and they did it voluntarily believing that it’s what we stood for a Union of People who defended our Faith and what was right."

So apparently the Second World War was a religious war to uphold the Reformed tradition and the SNP is closely linked to the Vatican! Are people really that thick? Sadly, it appears so!

SCOTTISH BOOKS

I recently e-mailed The Scottish Book Trust, asking if they reviewed works by independent authors. I sort of expected that they would answer me by saying, 'Thanks, but no thanks.' Instead, they did not bother to reply at all. I e-mailed them again, asking why they had not deigned to reply the first time, pointing out that even a one-word answer would have been better than none. Again, however, I received no reply. A good look over their website provides some kind of reason why they should be so rude.

They claim to be looking to promote reading in Scotland and to support Scottish writing. The truth is, however, that it is a particular type of Scottish writing that they want to support and promote. My work would not look right next to the pretentious claptrap of Alasdair Gray, whose writing seems to be put on a pedestal as something wonderful, even though it is shallow, inaccessible garbage. I was once given 'Lanark' to read by a friend and found it a worthless experience. I'd never encountered anything so self-indulgent and twee and wondered why it had been published at all.

The problem with the Arts in Scotland is that it suffers from trying too hard to be 'intellectual'. I think this stems in large part from the English perception of Scotland as full of monosyllabic drunks, junkies and gorgers on junk food. To counter this misconception a culture has arisen of 'overegging the pudding'. This extends to consumers as well as producers.

I remember as a teenager the feeling of superiority gained by sitting in a pub discussing Samuel Beckett, knowing that others around you are totally ignorant of the writer and his works. I think most folk go through this kind of stage, thinking that they're better than their parents and their peers because of what they read, the films they watch, the music they listen to etc. Some of us, however, get into our twenties and realise that the Emperor is naked and that we're not quite as clever as we thought we were. Many, though, continue to admire said monarch's new suit and expect to be looked up to because of it.

We can all be a bit snooty about the likes of Hello magazine or Katie Price's new book but, in reality, we know that people actually enjoy these pieces of writing. Many, however, take this snobbery to extremes and will look down their nose at anything that is in any way popular or populist. But isn't reading meant to be a pleasurable activity?

When I was a teacher I used to take in all my old comic annuals, like the Dandy and Beano (I've got a good collection - and still read them!) into my class for my pupils to enjoy. Whenever they had time they would dive on these books and actually read them, instead of just holding a book up to hide behind while they chatted. A senior teacher expressed her displeasure at this, 'School is the only opportunity these children get to be exposed to quality literature,' she said. She couldn't answer me when I asked her to define 'quality literature'.

Not long after, I went to Portugal on holiday. I took up my usual position at the poolside, with a bottle of lager, my fags and a book of science-fiction short stories. A Scottish man sitting nearby said that he couldn't understand why anyone would take a book on holiday with him. To him there was nothing pleasurable about reading at all.

I related this story to that senior teacher when the new term started. Needless to say, she backed down and my class were able to enjoy reading about Biffo the Bear, Dennis the Menace and Minnie the Minx. They would continue to see reading as a pleasure and might even read some 'quality literature' later on in life.

Which brings me back to where I started. The Scottish Book Trust, despite its avowed aims, is not there to promote reading; not as a pleasurable activity anyway. It is there to promote an elitist idea of Scottish literature and to perpetuate a snobbery about books.

To give but one example, take the children's books they promote, supposedly written in the 'language that Scottish children speak.' They are, in fact, written in old, Robert-Burns-style Scottish, which nobody has spoken for a couple of hundred years. Any child reading these books would need recourse to a glossary. So they're not written in the language that the children speak, but in the language that some elitist adult thinks they should speak.

The Scottish Book Trust also runs competitions to find new authors. The winner, however, does not get a publishing deal. Instead, you get a grant so you can take a short time off work in order for established writers to help you to make your work 'better'. In other words, anything that anyone outside the clique writes is unsuitable and has to be made to fit.

No doubt I sound bitter. Am I? You bet I am! I don't publish my books independently because they're not good enough for publishing houses. It might well be that they're not that great; that's for others to decide. The fact is, however, that a look round a Scottish bookshop or on the Scottish Book Trust website, shows the sort of pretentious cack that they want to publish in Scotland. So why should I waste my time and money sending an MS to different publishers and agencies when I know in advance what their answer is going to be?

CULTURE

I always remember years ago when Glasgow was European City of Culture. I was living in Edinburgh at the time and it really got up a lot of folk's nose that a city full of thick, dirty people, who all lived in slums had been chosen to present a cultural face to Europe. I remember one guy in a pub in Leith, pissed out his head, bits of vomit clinging to his shirt and a large piss stain on his trousers, shouting, "What the fuck diz Glesgy ken aboot culture? If people waant culture they should come tae Edinburry!" It's worth pointing out that this 'hater of all things Glaswegian' was a season-ticket holder at Ibrox!

Culture is a word that gets bandied about a lot these days. The Neo-Nazis of the EDL claim that their 'Inglish coolchah' is being destroyed by Muslims, while our own, Scottish versions of these clowns see their 'culchur an' tradishuns' being eroded by the descendants  of Irish Catholic immigrants. Anthropologists  and human-rights activists are at each others' throats over Middle-Eastern and African cultural traditions like female genital mutilation, marriage and sex with children and 'dry sex'.

At the moment we're being subjected to claims of 'British Culture' by our government, both as part of the desperate 'Better Together' campaign and as an integral part of the lie that 'We're all in it together'. Unfortunately, this 'shared British experience' extends no further than taking part in wars and attempting to enslave half the globe! Apart from that there's not much more to be said about 'British Culture.'

Some folk seem to think that the days when large portions of the world map were coloured pink are still with us. Enter one George (Lord) Robertson, he of the face like a Halloween cake that ended up at the bottom of the shopping bag. He informs us that if the UK is broken up then the world faces revolutions, 'Balkanisation' and dictators running riot. According to Robertson, a vote for independence is a vote for the 'Forces of Darkness.' All the miscreants in the world, it appears, are only stopped by their fear of the UK. What a load of keich! It seems Robertson doesn't realise that this is the Twenty-First Century, not the Nineteenth!

Of course, a 'Better Together' spokesman puts the tin hat on it by saying, “George Robertson is right to say that people need to come together to solve the many problems in our world.” That'll be the same 'Better Together' that includes all the Tories that want to leave the EU? Of course, the real reason for all this scaremongering is added onto the end of Robertson's tirade, when he says that Scottish independence will 'de-stabilise Northern Ireland'. That, of course, is the real reason for the Scottish Establishment's fear of a YES vote.

Robertson has previous for this kind of nonsense, claiming that Scotland has 'no culture of its own'. I wonder how he makes that one out. Yes, we share a common language, even though our regional dialects make it sound as if we are all speaking different ones. Is Robertson, then, going to claim that America has no culture of its own? What about Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados? Like I said, the guy seems to be stuck in a time warp.

Back when I was a teacher I would often be told to do a project about Scotland with my class. I interpreted this differently from other teachers, who would usually do things about the clans, tartans and Scottish kings. I, on the other hand, looked at the way of life of ordinary people in Scotland. This would involve visits to the Edinburgh Story, Glasgow's People's Palace, bringing in older folk to talk and show photos and memorabilia and learning old Street Songs. The pupils would usually be amazed to discover that the lifestyle, leisure activities and children's games and songs have been pretty standard across Scotland.

Quite a few of my brighter pupils discovered for themselves, and pointed out to me, how Scottish working-class culture has been marginalised, especially in their closest city of Edinburgh. The 'shortbread-tin' culture that many NO campaigners accuse the SNP of promoting has actually been imposed on us from outside. It's something the English promoted in the Nineteenth Century as they turned large tracts of Scotland into their playground. Now, it's something that the tourists have come to expect. It's worth noting, however, that most of the shops in Edinburgh selling tartan tat are actually run by Pakistanis!

There are all different ways in which Scotland is different culturally than England. There are places in the Highlands and Islands where people's first language is still Gaelic, the Church of Scotland, with its fierce Presbyterianism is vastly different from that of England, Catholics in Scotland have none of the unquestioning obedience to the Church seen elsewhere and there has been a long tradition of radicalism in Scotland that has always been more intense, active and longer-lasting than that evident in parts of England. Scottish Chartism was a different beast from its counterpart in England, while Red Clydeside had its counterparts in other places in Scotland, but not in England. Scottish radicalism was essential for helping the Liberal Party and then the Labour Party get elected. When huge droves of English people deserted the Liberals and Labour, Scotland always remained true. That's something that George Robertson should remember instead of taking the traditional Scottish vote for granted.

It could be argued that many in Scotland's big cities have more in common with the likes of Liverpool or Manchester than they do with people that live in the Scottish Highlands and Islands. Be that as it may, the fact is that we are not currently being governed from Liverpool or Manchester but from London, a place none of us have anything in common with. It's been shown time and time again that the Westminster government's priority is always the South of England, no matter who is in power. It is not inconceivable that some time in the future the likes of Liverpool or Manchester might want to join an independent Scotland to escape thralldom to the selfishness of London and the Home Counties. They'd be more than welcome!

As usual, the arguments coming from the 'Better Together' camp contain nothing but doom and gloom. I've yet to hear one positive reason for staying in the Union; all I've heard is how bad things will allegedly be if Scotland becomes independent. Strangely the English media is normally calling us benefit junkies and go out of their way to argue that we rely on the hard-working tax payers in the South of England to keep us going. If they honestly believe this then it begs the obvious question: why are they so desperate to hold onto us?

"Guess what? Ah'm no' deid at aw. Noo Ah'm jist waitin' ma chance fur world domination. D'ye know the only thing that's stoappin' mae? Ah'm scared-y the mighty United Kingdom, especially wae Scotland in it. See if Scotland leaves it then that's me gonnae pyoor get stuck intae everybody, so Ah um. Aye, a vote fur independence is a vote fur Al Qaeda!"